Exploring the uncharted territory of the gay videogame experience. Here, I explore the female/LGBT presence in videogame culture, media and industry.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm Surprised They Haven't Made... Part 2

A Twilight Game.

Now, before I go on, I want to make it absolutely clear that I am most certainly NOT a Twilight fan. I've read the books, and seen the first film; I just can't get past how god awful the writing is.

But I digress...

Whether or not you like the series, you have to admit it's very surprising that with all of its (baffling) success, there hasn't been a game tie-in.

But what would you do?

The first thing that comes to mind is a Castlevania knock-off; an action-adventure RPG where you collect different items, weapons and armor in preparation for the final showdown with the Volturi...

Except that never happens in the books.

Perhaps a gothic mystery-noire would fare better. Players take on the persona of Bella Swan; normal teen turned amateur dectective. She must gather clues and evience to prove that Edward is a vampire. She must also study the ancient magicks needed to defeat him and his family, ending their bloody reign of terror over Forks.

...but that doesn't happen either.

Survival Horror/Tower Defense
Bella has stumbled upon the secred world of vampires and werewolves, becoming entangled in their millenia-old blood-feud. Each side wants to kidnap her and use her as a bargaining chip after she befriends Edward and Jacob. She wants nothing to do with it. Student by day, supernatural warrior by night, she defends her father and her home from an onslaught of undead and lycanthropes (a la Nazi Zombie mode in CoD).

*sigh* That's still not it.

No, you know what it would be?

The Sims...or a 10 hour long Quick Time Event.

As a simulation, tweens and desperate housewives everywhere would discard the packaged "Bella" model in favor of a customized, virtual equivalent of themselves. Each playing out whatever sad little fantasy she has built up in her mind. The QTE would be even more pathetic, on every level:

Press X to bite lip

Hold A to play with hair

Click LS and RS to be devoid of all emotion

Push power button on console and do something meaningful with your life

Like with the Lady Gaga game, it all comes down to marketing and reputation. Makers of casual games or ipod games might get in on it (some sort of episodic release, maybe), but I serioulsy doubt any hardcore/mainstream developer or publisher would make a bid on that particular IP. It would destroy their credibility. Every discussion of each subsequent release by that company would follow thusly:

Gamer 1: Have you heard anything about First-Person Space Shooter 2000? I want to know if I should buy it or rent it first.

Gamer 2: You don't want that game.

G1: Why not?

G2: It's by the same company that did that Twilight game.

G1: Oh, never mind then.

The company would probably go under after that; all the while, employees would make dramatic "We're Sorry" speeches as they clean out their desks and prepare themselves for a life of unemployment. Because no other company would want to be associated in any way, shape or form with The Game That Shan't Be Named. This would put even more strain on an already beleagured world economy.

Moral of story: A Twilight game would probably cause the next Great Depression.

1 comment:

  1. "As a simulation, tweens and desperate housewives everywhere would discard the packaged "Bella" model in favor of a customized, virtual equivalent of themselves."


    I wonder, however, if there aren't some assumptions about audience here--that those who like Twilight "naturally" wouldn't be interested in any type of gaming? Is this a fair assessment? Am I being too stereotypical?


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